my phone needs a breathalizer
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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