I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
