He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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