Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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