Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
