So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
