i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
