I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.