i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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