what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
