So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
