I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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