4 words: hood of his car
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
