my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
