I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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