and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird