ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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