He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So many bounce houses so little time
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
