On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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