Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
