What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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