mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
