I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
