maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
