I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
