Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
this just has baby written all over it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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