Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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