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I think my vagina is haunted
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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