captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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