He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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