one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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