apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
