Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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