Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
