david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
