so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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