So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
