oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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