is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
nutella sex= disaster
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
