we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
