i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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