Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
