Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
