I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
