I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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