Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
