That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
