we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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