Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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