Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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