he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
