Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
