I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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