He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
