You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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