Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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