she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
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you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
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The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
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