I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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