I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
